Snowflakes

I was outside of my office building this afternoon having a good time catching snowflakes on my tongue when some lady walked up and asked me what I was doing. At first I laughed because I thought she was joking, but she looked quite perplexed. I explained to her that I was catching snowflakes in my mouth. To which she asked "Why?". I didn't really have a response.

Disaster at Moo Moo Farm

The Mario Kart racing community is in shock today after one of the most gruesome and bizarre incidents in its history. Mario was announced dead at 1:37 PST this afternoon. The scene of the accident was the serene Moo Moo Farm located next to Whomp's Fortress. Investigators are still removing small bits of hair and brain matter from the fencepost where Mario met his tragic end. The prime suspect in the case is none other than Princess Peach herself. Eye witnesses claim she fired a red shell at Mario, giving him almost no chance of escape. "I saw her shoot it, I couldn't believe it, it was horrible. Mario never saw it coming." said Toad, one of seven competitors in the Mushroom Cup. Investigators have yet to determine how Princess Peach acquired the highly illegal homing shell. The weapon was designed and manufactured on Bob-omb Battlefield nearly a decade ago for an assault on Shifting Sand Land. The class III rocket propelled shell is capable of piercing 10 inches of steel plating. More than a match for Mario's small 150cc racing kart.

Smokey Bear

Smokey wasn't like all the other bears. His fur was a little lighter, just half a shade. But in the bear world this was a lot. So all the other bears would tease him and push him over with their little bear noses. Smokey did not like this at all, and every time somebody pushed him over, the little ball of bear rage buried deep inside him would grow just a speck larger. Then one day while foraging for berries by himself, Smokey came upon a very curious thing. It was a metal tank labeled "Flamethrower" with a long hose attached to it and a handle just the right size for his little bear paws. Just then, Boomer bear ran out of the bushes and pushed Smokey into the ground. Smokey got very angry because he hit his little bear head, and he felt that terrible ball of bear rage come to the surface. Smokey decided to see what would happen if he put his little bear paw in the strange handle that was pointing towards Boomer. Instantly, Boomer was a burning pile of bear flesh roasting away in the summer heat. A wave of nearly sexual euphoria washed over him as Boomer bear screamed and screamed for help. In his final throes of death, Boomer fell on top of a big pile of pine needles, setting them ablaze. Soon the forest all around Smokey was on fire, so he ran into the river for shelter. As he looked out at the carnage around him, off in the distance he heard screams coming from bear village. Smokey fell asleep that night on a big rock, dreaming of flames.

Hello party people

I drew a picture of me dancing with maracas for some reason.

Change

Downtown Denver is getting kind of scary. There are crazy homeless people everywhere. Last week a homeless person sang "endless love" at me as I walked down a tunnel towards my bank. Sure I felt pretty special that day, but what sort of stability could a homeless person ever offer me? This morning the crazy lady on 16th and Glenarm asked me for change. This sort of thing makes me nervous for some reason, so I tried to be funny and told her "change comes from within". I thought it was quite witty, but homeless people don't seem to appreciate levity.

What

Whew... ok, there's some things I really want to talk about today. I feel like discussing religion. The only problem is that people get so caught up in names and events they end up missing the whole point. That's why I'm going to use symbolism. You see, for me, religion is like a well shielded satellite traveling towards Saturn at 27,000 meters per second. Due to a slight miscalculation concerning the alloy used in shielding the satellite and its interaction with Saturn's enormous magnetic field, it has strays dangerously off course. In fact, the orbit that was intended to slingshot the craft past the gas giant now brings it directly into the rings of ice and debris orbiting the planet. As the satellite collides with an enormous chunk of silicate the explosion is so energetic that the satellite is completely vaporized. Most of the particles are then trapped forever by Saturn's magnetic and gravitational fields. However, some precious few escape and continue on course into the distant Oort Cloud where they collect in microscopic quantities on the surface of a nondescript asteroid. Millions of years later, a species of hyper-intelligent Mollusks on a routine survey expedition for a mining operation passes by the asteroid. The ships mass spectrometer detects the anomalous particles but considers them valueless and quickly deletes all records of the event. I know religion is a touchy subject and all, but I hope people understand what I'm trying to say here.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I am a bad person. I did something terrible last night. I found a golf ball in a drawer and was rolling it around because as you know, I love balls. That was when I saw a fly on the counter, which is a pretty odd thing to see in the winter. Anyhow, you know that scene in Indiana Jones with the boulder rolling after him? Well, I decided to re-create some movie magic and roll the golf ball at the fly. Problem is I think the fly was sick or tired or something because there was no incredible chase scene, no cute little fly whip or fly hat, just the wet smoosh of what could have been the fly version of Jesus (he certainly wasn't the fly Indiana Jones) dying senselessly. I felt pretty terrible, so I buried it out back under some snow with a little piece of watermelon because I know they like that. I tried digging in the actual ground but it was hard and I was getting cold so I gave up. The moral of this story is that when you get cold you should give up.

Valentines Day!

Well I hope everyone had a nice Valentines Day. There's nothing quite like a 7lb chocolate heart to make you feel loved, am I right? I spent the day walking around the mall drinking chai and looking in all the jewelry shops as men purchased chunks of highly compressed carbon at the last possible moment in order to convey their love to a significant other. Yeah, guys, something tells me you missed the point of this holiday. My sister and I ended up hosting a "spaghetti and heartballs" party where we made spaghetti with little heart shaped meatballs for our friends. I was in charge of the garlic bread. It was good garlic bread. Therefore I deem my Valentines Day a success.

Bus Wars: Episode I, Attack of the Scones

I seem to be engaged in a silent battle, the battle of the bus stop lines. You see the bus I take is supposed to stop at Gate 8, but it usually goes slightly past it. So while I wait at the proper gate door, a certain woman has decided to start waiting at a door that is closer to where the bus actually stops. This has lead to a conflict so silent, so unnoticed, that it could, in fact, be completely in my imagination. Every day I arrive and already she is there, at the wrong gate. I pretend to be unfazed by her well trimmed hair and her cool leather jacket, but I am. Her biggest followers I have named "the weird mexican guy" and "fathead old lady" because I don't respect them and their desire to get to the bus first while honest hard working individuals like myself wait where we are supposed to. Usually her line ends up consisting of only three people, although I use the word people loosely here. My line on the other hand almost always ends up standing three, even four times longer. Once my line (the line of justice) has established itself as the longest line, I try not to look smug as I slowly leaf through my newly acquired copy of The Onion. Sometimes I see her talking amiably with her fellow conspirators, no doubt dreaming up new ways to lure my followers away from me. Like the day she wore that really low cut top that showed off her perfectly shaped breasts. Sure, I looked, I mean I couldn't help it. But never was I tempted to leave the line of justice.

If only Television had more dancing beavers

Somone stole my pajamas

So it looks like my sister stole my Spongebob Pajamas. I can't believe her. I called her up and she admitted "yes Eric, I stole your Spongebob Square PANTS" get it.. pants. Oh shes a riot. I have to go get those back soon. And yeah, I know what you're thinking, you're thinking "wow he's a huge loser to have Spongebob pajamas". Well you know what? Chicks dig them man. They see you wearing them and imagine there is a cute funny charming side to you. A side that appreciates Spongebob and his wacky antics. I can't even count how many times my pajamas have driven a girl mad with desire. I mean one second I'm chatting on the phone about what I wear to bed, next thing I know her car comes crashing into my house like that "I'll be back" scene in Terminator 1 and shes demanding sex like Arnold demanded those pants, boots and keys to the motorcycle.

POETRY TIME YAY

Yeah well I got sort of bored so I did what any other person would do... I decided to write a poem about an overly verbose man asking a child to stop throwing rocks at him.

Rocks

I'm not sure how to put this,
I don’t know what to say,
I'm sure you have your reasons,
But could you stop throwing rocks my way?

Perhaps you could throw sponges,
or something very small,
but maybe it would be best,
if you threw nothing at all.

Another direction might serve you well,
I hear good things about east,
but when you throw things at me,
I don't enjoy it in the least.

Do you see that nice outcropping?
I believe its hematite.
Your rocks look very similar;
why not let them reunite?

What about that guy right there,
He stared at you a while,
maybe you should target him,
with your next projectile.

So if you could please just stop,
that is all I request,
you look quite tired besides,
How about a rest?

Trident Tropical Twist

I would like to take a moment to thank my favorite gum Trident Tropical Twist for always being there for me. Whenever I was sad and lonely I would chew you and feel much better. And whenever I sat through a crappy movie, you'd be right there, holding my hand. And whenever I went into the future via a transphasic gateway to annihilate hordes of Series 7 Killbots in the year 2045 with a variable intensity pulse rifle operating at 8 megawatts with a dual fusion energy core and an underbarrel EMP grenade launcher, you came along for the ride.

Eric vs Japan

So I plan on going to Japan this summer. The reasons for this are obvious... interesting culture, cute girls, weird food, and most importantly, at my height of 6'3, there is the chance to be Godzilla. Long have I awaited this day.. I even bought those Godzilla slippers that roar when you walk on them. I have also spent considerable time planning my attack.
First, when I arrive in Japan, their customs officials will immediately recognize me as Godzilla, beast of legend, and initiate the air sirens/various warning procedures they have in place. That is when I will strike. I will begin by destroying their airport, depriving them of any possibility of escape. Next, the fun will begin as I march towards a few small outlying towns and tear them to shreds, kind of a warm-up for the main event. Finally, when the time feels right, I will begin my agonizingly slow walk towards Tokyo. And if they even THINK about awakening another ancient beast such as Mothra or Gorosaurus (or that fairy princess Jet Jaguar) to aid them, they will be sadly disappointed by the outcome.


You see, I have been taking lessons at Rodan's School of Monsterfighting for the last 17 years and let me tell you.. I've progressed way beyond those simple punches and throws I used to use. Also, I have learned to curb my excessive celebration when I am victorious, as it leaves me open to attack. I don't care if the other monster is down or looks sort of dead, I will throw its corpse into power lines or molten lava or whatever is at hand to ensure bother-free destruction. The last thing I need while I eradicate downtown Tokyo is some Cretaceous beast whos seen Rocky III too many times coming back for another try. And you see that plasma laser they're pointing at me? I might just pick it up and use it on the town it was meant to protect. Improvisation is one of the first things you lean at Rodans School of Monsterfighting. So watch out Tokyo, because when I begin slowly wrenching apart your economic infrastructure beam by defenseless beam, there will be no stopping me.

The Coca-Cola Terrorist

So I like my soda VERY cold... like right at the edge of freezing. Also I am a very forgetful person. These two aspects of my personality have lead to a tragedy of epic proportions. I bought a can of Coke and thought "you could be much colder soda" so I put it in the freezer.
Science Fact: Soda is mostly water, and water expands by 10% when frozen.
Well anyways.. yeah.. I forgot about it, and the can exploded, apparently destroying my bosses frozen lunch. He was not very happy about this. So he went around interrogating people about the incident. I tried to put on my most incredulous voice and ask "What kind of idiot would put a can in the freezer?". Apparently my quick thinking saved me because he never interrogated me and simply agreed. I found it difficult not to laugh as he walked around wildly gesticulating with a sopping wet Weight Watchers Lasagna Meal in his hand. That's how you're going to beat them Eric... they keep underestimating you. (You can earn 40 cool points by telling me what movie that last sentence is from)