Japanese Cultural Appreciation Day

When I was in 6th grade we had Japanese Cultural Appreciation day. It was pretty much just like every other day, except that we got to drink green tea and that night we had a big pot luck dinner. I was in charge of bringing dessert. I told my parents that it was a dinner to celebrate Veterans Day, and asked if they would let me make a cake shaped like an atomic bomb. They thought it was a little strange but they let me. I wish I had a real picture of the cake.. it was amazing. In big letters of white frosting along the middle of the atomic bomb I wrote “SORRY”. They ended up suspending me for a day. Nobody appreciates levity.

News Update

Win some, lose some

The Jetpack life is the life for me

Todays comic is called "Eric gets a Jetpack". It's about me flying around on a Jetpack and ignoring a fire. Why bother saving anybody if they would just end up trying to steal my Jetpack?

Motion-Detecting Garage Light Saves Day

Last night the suburban home of Tom Deshay averted tragedy by only the slimmest of margins. Tom’s family was fast asleep when their motion detecting garage door light activated, illuminating the distant outline of what was most likely a heavily armed and dangerous minority. “Thank God for that light, it saved us all” explained Tom.

Emo Kitty

I conceived Emo Kitty at a sushi place that gives you crayons and lets you draw on the table.

Survival Tips

Are you afraid that you might end up stranded in the middle of a forest with only your wits to survive by? Well never fear, for I have written a series of survival tips based on information learned on my school camping trip in 6th grade, wild speculation, and lies.

Eric's Survival Tips
1. Don't cry. Bears can smell tears from up to 10 miles away.
2. Mountain lions will fall asleep if you whistle 'Sexy Back' by Justin Timberlake.
3. If you run into any snakes, just give up, you're pretty much dead no matter what.
4. It's like 100 degrees out. Why are you wearing a jacket? Take off that jacket. Jesus. This isn't rocket science here.
5. With the right seasonings, insects can be a delicious high protein snack. Try grasshoppers lightly sprinkled with cheeseburgers, or caterpillars doused in chocolate and honey.

New Hallmark Cards

In a bid to increase sales, Hallmark has begun targeting niche audiences with its new cards. I managed to get my hands on one that was just perfect! Thanks Hallmark!

Cover:
BEE Well Soon!
Inside:
The fire burned away your face,
And my feelings for you,
It gutted your house,
I've met someone new,
Sorry I forgot I was cooking that toaster strudel while you were taking a nap.

Virgil, Wrestling Superstar

Hey wait, come back. You were walking pretty fast and I think you missed my booth. It's because of this damn sign, it's way too small. I am going to have to do my patented panda slam on whoever made it. I didn't spend two weeks on the community wrestling circuit to be treated like a nobody.

A likely story

Please let me out of here. I was was not eating your delicious pie, I was only smelling it very closely, looking for clues. The ones who ate your pie were gone long before I got there. I would have tracked them down but the trail was already cold. I was just about to start collecting statements and gathering forensic evidence when you showed up and put me in this cage. This is all just a big mistake. If anyone is at fault it is you, for hampering my investigation. So if you would please just let me out of here so I could continue my work I would appreciate it. Your pie deserves justice. Isn't that what you want?

Randomness

Begin Transmission

Bravo Leader 74: Broccoli Command, where are my jellybeans?
Broccoli Command Center: Broccoli Patrol reports no jellybean sightings.
Bravo Leader 74: Listen assholes, I left them in the command module, there was a whole bag.
Broccoli Command Center: Level 5 sonic jellybean scan commencing.
Bravo Leader 74: OK whatever.
Broccoli Command Center: Sonic jellybean scan negative. Jellybean location unknown.
Bravo Leader 74: I hate you Broccoli Command.
Broccoli Command Center: Copy that Bravo Leader.

End Transmission

Je ne puis pas parler français

Not many people know this, but I am an artist. Today I would like to show you some of my most recent pieces. Prepare to be amazed, impressed, and possibly a little turned on.

This first piece is titled "Mon Chiot D'ail". It features a plant watering another plant. It is a socio-political commentary on the war in Iraq. If you don't understand it you are stupid.

This piece is titled "Qui Au Bout Du Beurre D'arachide". It is a powerful image about love, death, and why I hate linear algebra.

Last we come to my favorite piece titled "Ce N'est Pas Votre Salade".
It is my bionicle Thomas holding an oreo.

Clicking the images will bring you to full size uncropped versions.

Olympic Coverage

I'm excited to see what Gamera has in store for us today in the men's horizontal bar competition. This is actually his first time in the Olympics Don. Looks like he's building up some speed now. I can't say I've seen this many overhand swings in one routine before. He really seems to be having some trouble getting started here. People.. people have begun laughing at him. I don't think that's a very good idea. Oh god, it looks like Gamera just dismounted into the crowd. He doesn't seem to be taking this very well folks. Hold on a second, hes stopped. It looks like he's waiting to see his score. Oh jesus its a .0035. Gamera appears very upset.. and.. and I think he's activating his plasma cannon. One has to wonder what the judges were thinking scoring a powerful ancient beast that low.

Milkshake

Bah, I just thought it was a catchy song about milkshakes. But no, apparently the song is not about a delicious dessert, it's about blowjobs. When Jason told me I laughed on the outside, but on the inside a little innocent part of me shriveled up and died.

Hamlet

I like to leave my peeps out for a few days to harden and “mature”. Well, I should have known something was wrong this morning when I saw the peeps all snuggled up reading Hamlet together. When I got home from work I heard Laertes saying “Mine and my father’s death come not upon thee!” so I ran to my room and saw this. I blame myself for leaving those toothpicks out; I should have known that to a soft marshmallow body a toothpick is like steel. From now on I’m eating my peeps before they get mature enough to do improvised renditions of Hamlet.