Are you afraid that you might end up stranded in the middle of a forest with only your wits to survive by? Well never fear, for I have written a series of survival tips based on information learned on my school camping trip in 6th grade, wild speculation, and lies.
Eric's Survival Tips
1. Don't cry. Bears can smell tears from up to 10 miles away.
2. Mountain lions will fall asleep if you whistle 'Sexy Back' by Justin Timberlake.
3. If you run into any snakes, just give up, you're pretty much dead no matter what.
4. It's like 100 degrees out. Why are you wearing a jacket? Take off that jacket. Jesus. This isn't rocket science here.
5. With the right seasonings, insects can be a delicious high protein snack. Try grasshoppers lightly sprinkled with cheeseburgers, or caterpillars doused in chocolate and honey.
8 comments:
Eric,
I hate you and everything you stand for.
(specifically, your wanton desire to have me shooting pepsi out of my nose).
I'm posting this because the "1 people" part of "1 people think I care" really bugs the shit out of me.
Snakes? at least your not on a plane...
Easy there Mr. Testosterone, you can be replaced by a zuccini.
#7 reminds me of that Twilight zone episode, "The Midnight Sun." Ever see it? The premise is that the earth went off its orbit and keeps getting closer to the sun. Everyone is dying because it's so hot and some crazy guy breaks into the girl's apartment looking for water bitching about how hot it is, and he's wearing a BLAZER.
I'm printing this up right now and putting it in my wallet. Just in case.
May I drink my own urine?
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